i am sorry this is all i can give you

The title is a quote from my brother Will's Valentine's Day card. I keep all four of the Valentine's cards that side of my family gave me the night before I left. They're stuck to my cork board in front of my desk, which is no little thing. The Massey University housing department did not check these cork boards for their... I think accessiblity could be used here. I have to use the hardest thing I have around (usually a book) and hammer the tacks into the board. It rarely works. In fact, it has never worked. I just use holes that are already there. I have no idea what people used that lived here before.

Apart from the cards I have a crumpled ticket from my first rugby game in Wellington. The Hurricanes v. the Chiefs. Very exciting game, but the Chiefs weren't very good and so the Hurricanes won easily. It's a complicated game! I can't imagine ever playing it.

Perhaps more prized than my ticket from the game is the list of recommended books one of my creative writing professors gave me. He focuses on poetry so the list is mostly poets. Alan Shapiro is the only one of the list I recognize.

The three aspects of my life are already on the cork board. And really, if I had to list them in importance I would be hard pressed to pick which one is more important: my social life or my academic career. Of course the family comes first.

Today I listened to a song called "Wagon Wheel" which I then sent to my friend Eric. I think it's a good song for anyone out on the road. Which isn't really me at this point. But since I'm not at home, I find the song relate able.

A friend of mine came into my room this afternoon and declared that my bare walls were making her sick; she's going to help me decorate. The walls are a bright, baby yellow and it does get a little stifiling. But I find I get used to the way a room looks. A person can grow accustomed to pretty much anything. There are darker examples than getting used to an ugly, small room. But I've been so blessed in my life that my little yellow cell is as bad as it gets. Anyone who has seen my apartment in Clemson knows that I am not much of a decorator. But I appreciate the decor once it's up. I like mirrors, which speaks to my narcissism more than anything. Our rooms came with a small mirror. I can see down past my shoulders, but not to my waist. It's good for applying make up. And other girly pastimes in which I indulge.

I apologize for my gender a lot. I've noticed this. It's as if I blame any issues I might have with being a girl. For example, I was in our dorm's basketball team and dropped out. I am not a sports person, as you all know. I felt a need at times to apologize for being such a girl, so easily intimidated by people on a court. This has nothing to do with being a woman, naturally. Oh! and when I cry or want to talk about my feelings I often apologize for being such a girl. What's wrong with wanting to have a 'good cry?' I think in my mind it communicates weakness. Except when other people do it, provided they have a reason. But sometimes we all just cry.

And I ramble. Stereotypically, that's a female trait too. Although I feel this is an untrue stereotype. Men love giving lectures and advice.

Why am I typing blanket statements about the sexes? I took two Tylenol PMs because I have a headache, I may be getting a little drowsy. Good night.